I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
