Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
