I think I won the penis lottery.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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