Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
