my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
