your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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