Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
