god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
