when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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