The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
