I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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