Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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