it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
