You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
