I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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