i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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