The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
