I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
