Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
