nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize