Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
