Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
