just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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