my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
