She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
