That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
