My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize