A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
