mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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