Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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