I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
