My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
