Your mouth is God's brothel.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
