He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
