i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
