I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
