k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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