I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
