Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
