im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
