It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
