Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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