Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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