my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My Higher Power is John Stamos
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
