I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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