I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
lets start a swedish sibling band together
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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