All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
