just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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