I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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