I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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