you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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