You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
