I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize