we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
pray to the hookup gods
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
