I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
