I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
