Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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