i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
