I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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