Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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