Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Randomize
