his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
sex in a hospital.. check
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
