I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
