Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
