So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
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