He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
