we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
