I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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