he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
