I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
