I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
